Read The Crowd
you've heard of DJs saying they can "read" a crowd, now with this VIP special guide you can easily recognise your ravers....
1. Part-Time Clubbers
spot them:
They've been harassed into coming out as part of a mates' birthday
Most likely to be wearing:
90's-looking 'club wear' they found at the back of their wardrobe, or a smart shirt
Most likely to say:
"wow this place open till 2am!"
Least likely to say:
"Got that Michael Cleis track?"
What to play:
Something mainstream but not too offensive to everyone else - a remix of La Roux should do nicely
2. All Day Drinkers
Spot them:
Sunburnt and lager-breathed, they've come from a beer garden session and should really have gone home eight hours ago.
Most likely to be wearing:
T-shirt, flip flops, short and slightly askew baseball cap: plastic bag with today's newspaper in it for some reason
Most likely to say:
"Dist (spit, spit) isagreacht chooooon!"
Least likely to say:
Taxi
What to play:
The breakdown of underworld's 'Born Slippy'
3. Regulars
Spot Them:
The pack standing proud like lions on top of their rock. They think they are the kings of the club, and will let everybody know it.
Most likely to be wearing:
Full merchandise from the club - T-shirt, hoody, jeans and a tattoo of the club's logo on their bicep
Most likely to say:
"I haven't paid to get in the club since 2006"
Least likely to say:
"Shall we go somewhere else for a change?"
What to play"
Autokratz 'stay the same'
4. Documenters
Spot Them:
Pinned to the DJ booth, filming and live-editing the entire set on a smartphone and trying to 'guerilla market' their club-based web venture
Most likely to be wearing:
Enough technology to land a stealth bomber
Most likely to say:
Nothing, though they may leave a message on your Soundcloud asking you what remix this is
Least likely to say:
"Who's DJing"
What to play:
Something obscure; better yet, something you made the day
5. Sir-Perve-A-Lots
Spot them:
Guys who perch themselves on the balcony above a dancefloor just to look down and salivate
Most likely to be wearing:
Sunglasses to hide their eyes, a semi
Most likely to say:
"Check her out"
Least likely to say:
Anything to a girl
What to play:
Boy Better Know 'Too many man'
6. People Watchers
Spot them:
Pressed against the wall like voyeuristic ninjas, scanning for comment-worthy punters like Jeremy Kyle meets the fashion police
Most likely to be wearing:
Something uncontroversial
Most likely to say:
"Look at that couple over there, they are clearly on the verge of splitting up"; "Did you see the state of her shoes?"
Least likely to say:
"Shall we just dance and have fun?"
What to play:
Freemasons 'Watchin'
7. Student Types
Spot them:
Young, keen, skint. They may be genuinely pleased to meet you, but that bulge in their kecks is actually a smuggled bottle of vodka
Most likely to be wearing:
Whatever was cool last time their loan came in, a bag with nothing in it but a student card.
Most likely to say:
"Are there any jobs going here?"
Least likely to say:
"I'll get this round"
What to play:
'Lipsin Ting' by scorcher followed by the theme to Baywatch
